More death I'm sad to say

So today my Great Grandma had to go to the emergency room for heart failure.... so she will gone very soon and my Great aunt died today.... I just feel really really really upset.... well obviously, it's basically like this, 3 deaths, 3 funerals, in 3 weeks. I honestly am just breaking down every five minutes then forcing myself to smile and breaking down again. It's just so messed up that all of this is happening. And I just started my freshman year, today was my second day at school and I don't see myself going tomorrow. And I don't believe I want to go back to school all this pressure from school, and I suppose intimidation from everything at highschool mixed with all the death is making my mind hurt. I really can't focus on anything right now. I just want to sleep. For a long time until my head is clear and the sky is just perfect or something unreal. This is all too unreal! Life is just... so freaking!!! No! I'm so upset that I can't even cry really! My emotions are just all over and I'm so freaking sad and I want to just run and run and run away far far away. I want to leave. To go. To escape all this, but no I do not want to die.... But instead of all them, I wish it would've been me.